I worked really hard this last month. Really hard. And I got a thousand dollars of my debt paid off. Which is good. I know this. But I still have ten thousand of my debt to go, and I have no life, and no spending money. The scarce time I’m off I can hardly communicate vocally, I’m so wasted from exhaustion, and I doubt that I’m much better in print.
I’m just really tired, and it seems like I have little or nothing to show for it. Yeah, so, the feeling of failure, my so-familiar friend, is back in full force. And I don’t have the energy to kick it. Mommy and Daddy are going into St. John’s with Gideon now, for an assessment and hopefully chemo. If this new drug worked, he’ll soon be off to Toronto for surgery. If it didn’t, he’s on palliative care. And I feel numb. I’m in that fragile emotional state where I feel like I want to cry, but since I don’t cry, I just hover on the edge of weeping and lose my temper easily.
I don’t know what I’ll do if the report is not favorable, I really don’t know. Money is not as important as my family, but I don’t want to be in debt, and I don’t want to be that weak girl who can only take a little bit of hard work before she goes into an emotional meltdown. I really don’t want to be that.
Ha. 😀 I’ve been here before, I’ll be fine. I’ll make it through! I just wish, I had a life. It would be nice to have people actually in my town who I felt like I was similar to, or who I could depend on. I don’t want to fall down in front of my parents again, they have enough to deal with without a hysterical adult daughter. My little sister does not share my interests, and besides her best friend is coming into town this week. She just does not understand. It’s slightly worse since she wants a life too, since she is running the house most of the time when I’m at work, and she doesn’t really accept that I am not the same as her. My brother is not in town, and.. the only other friend in town I’ve got is really nice, but, for example, she suggested that I go out to a bar and make out with some random guy who was to wasted to care that I didn’t know what I was doing as an intro into meeting guys. It seems we have some fairly fundamental differences in style there. 😀
It is rather sad, talking to that friend, because she so badly wants a guy to actually treat her like she’s worth something, and they don’t see her. She’s taken karate, and could kick the asses of most of the chainsmoking Christian pansies around here. And in addition, she doesn’t fawn over any guy who walks into a church, given that she’s running most of the programs. So they go for the little helpless/useless blond girls, and she takes up with the “whores” (her term) because they will at least say that they want her. Now she doesn’t have to deal with rejection, and she doesn’t trust anyone. Does anyone else just find that tragic?
Hmm, I’m listening avidly to everyone else’s drama, I wonder why?
Whew, I feel better for getting that rant out, though. I will get through this. Only five weeks left on the grant, and my time sense is thankfully very iffy.
I am Medusa, Tremble in my Path!