Sometimes living here just dances along the edge of intolerable. There are so many people who know who I am and my circumstances, and yet so few who I actually can relax around. I know I’m the weird one, who likes strange things and doesn’t even have the redeeming feature of liking normal ones, and I know it all the time. I mean, I just wrote 50,000 words in 15 days, and I haven’t told anyone other than my sister. In other places I would get a reaction, I know. I’ve seen it. Maybe it would be hatred or resentment, but here I’m just weird. And I’m stuck in the bounds of the hills I can see from my window.
Is it always this hard to stay in a place? Am I only satisfied when I’m anonymous to everyone I don’t choose to let in? Or would that even help? Does it ever get better? In a year, maybe, will I be okay to be the one who inspires an understanding smile on being seen? Or does being an adult mean never quite fitting in?
Around here there are the church groups, where not only do I not know the responses and jokes, I have to cram the panic back down my throat to keep from curling into a ball and rocking. And then there are the parties, where the participants get drunk and go home with other people than they arrived with. I don’t want either. Given that they both involve removal of most of my psyche, neither option is enticing to me. I like sarcasm and quick remarks and irony and references to obscure bits of everything; which doesn’t work when you’re drunk. I like philosophical discussion and political debate and all those things that girls aren’t really supposed to in good christian circles. So I settle for NOT going out and being out of place, I stay home and try to hide.
Would it have been easier if I hadn’t lived in other places, I wonder? Or if I had sucked up and stayed in the mind-rotting church circles? If I had had anything closer to a normal life, if I had tried to be social and ignored the scrape of eyes on my back, would I be able to have people look at me without wanting to cringe?
WHY DON”T OTHER PEOPLE FIND THIS SO HARD?
Does it ever get better?