My little brother died yesterday. He was four years old, and too much joy to be contained.
And I just don’t know anything. The world is different, that’s for sure. Maybe I’ve grow up a little more, maybe I’m still in shock and denial, but I certainly don’t look at life in the same way. Life- both the living of it and the fact of morality, has taken on a different aspect.
Because my little brother is no longer here, and everything reminds me of him in some way. He loves blue, and kinder eggs, and cars, and the whole wild world. He gives his full attention to whatever he is doing, oh my little brother.
No, I’m not using the present tense by accident. I believe- no, I don’t believe, I know, that he’s in a better place. He has no more pain, no more uncertainty, no more tears. He’s free. And for him, we’ll see him tomorrow. We just have a longer tomorrow to get through than he does.
His death was peaceful, and even the days and hours before were free of stress for him. I have a mental snapshot from the day before, which encapsulates the hospital time for me. Gid was sleeping, and had been all day, and I was just watching him from across the room. Snow was falling. There was only one small light on in the room, so it was getting darker as night fell. A fan caused the curtains to brush against each other, and the IV pump made small popping noises every couple of seconds. Daddy was playing acoustic guitar, and Mommy and Fraulein and I listened to him and to Gid breathing. It was an incredible span of time. There was so much sorrow and so much joy, somehow held side by side.
The strange thing is that I really still can’t take it in. My mind keeps trying to segment my memory, saying that that wasn’t Gid, my little brother is still somewhere around here, and I’m going to poke my head around a corner and see him sleeping. It’s so strange. I’ll probably be trying to fit my head around it for quite some time. Years, most likely.
Anyhow, that’s my big news. And if you thought my sense of humour was dark and twisted before, you might want to avoid me from now on.
Note: I’ve been trying to write this for a little while. Please ignore the continuity error.