Quotes from a July spent in Clarion

Week 1

(insightful analysis) …I want to lick your brain.
~Wonders.

Parenthetically, if I told my friends I wasn’t the first to write a story with twenty four foxes in it, they’d never believe me.
~Tim

I am so slack~jawed with wonder an entire grizzly bear could just climb in there.
~Worrad

“My hovercraft is full of eels!”
~Worrad

“I gave it nine fucks out of ten, pretty much.”
~Bolander

“Get these motherfucking faeries off this motherfucking plane.”
~Annie

Week 2

“I had nothing to do with it, I was in my room watching pornography all night.”
~Jacob

Jacob: “That’s a great first line! A great first line for me to underline and write ‘glib’ under.”
Becky: “Looks like Jacob just volunteered to be the one killed and eaten!”

Scalzi : “Any questions?”
Bolander: *immediately* “So did she fuck her death?”

“Hey man. I~I liked your story.”
~Dennis

“Needs more Aaardvarks.”
~Chris

Wonders: “Is the AC Broken?”
Andy: “Beelzebub, are you with us?”

“You had all the themes in one story. Every one.”
~Wonders.

“Were it my story, I would throw the baby out with the bath water at the end.”
~Andy

Chris: “Brady, you have opened my heart.”
Gill: “With a sonic screwdriver?”
Chris: “Turns out it’s the only way.”

“Andy they have a baby name for God. They’re so far past him now.”
~Jacob

“I don’t want to lick your brain, because I think it’d have the same effect as a psychoactive toad.”
~Peta

“Hanging out with all the deaths was fun.”
~Chris

“Your story had the best teen violence against boys I’d ever read.”
~Russell

“Going back and earning some of the fucks would be good.”
~Gill

Becky: “Oh god, all the paranoid scenes I’ve been writing in my journal are true!”
Bolander: “All the sexy ones too.”

“I actually liked the commitment to fuck.”
~Brady

*after a girl in tiny shorts and a sports bra bounces by*
Bolander: “I’m such a dirty old man.”
Worrad: “We have so much in common!”

“Flense~liness is next to godliness”
~Worrad

“I quite like existential stupors.”
~Chris

“It has a D&D Monster Manual feel.”
~Lewis, re: a story that fuses crosscultural mythos.

Week 3

“I was hot until the sheep incident.”
~Annie

“I can’t wait until the first person shows up to crit still drunk.”
~Lewis

Annie: “Adult protective services are such a bitch to deal with.”
Lewis: “Adult protective services? Those are the police.”

“The ukulele is a MUSCLE, Annie.”
~Becky

Wonders: “This was a 20~fuck story.”
Worrad: “I need a cigarette!”

“I wrote on this banana peel what I think of Wonder’s suggestion.”
~Russell

“I was getting the tone of sitting in the shower laughing while scrubbing myself all over with a brillo pad.”
~Bolander.

“Least erotic sex scene so far at Clarion, so well done!”
~Lewis

“This story spends all its time kicking holes in the fourth wall and firing shotgun blasts through it.”
~Bear

“Ballet Dancers. they’re freaky, like an ink printer but on one leg.”
~Worrad

“And then she just puts the plant in her nose and she goes.”
~Becky

“The Cossaks are supposed to be very skilled with a horse…”
~Worrad

“I ditto all the hair~combing love.”
~Bear

“The story’s so hot the clothes are coming off!”
~Annie

“I think I’m going to have my elves come in the night and cut off all your fingers cause I don’t need the competition.”~Bear
“I think that’s the best compliment I’ve ever had!”~Gill

“I was just thinking that any sex that ends with crying and blood is not good sex.”
~Tim

“Too much taste~flesh in the first scene.”
~Bear

Worrad: “Lapdance from tapeworms? But how do you give them the money?”
Becky: “What the fuck are we talking about right now.”

“Week three, the filking begins.”
~Lewis

“Hey Faulkner, you obviously don’t understand brevity, so I’ve made some visual aids.”
~Russell

“Soon you will have all the exclamation points.”
~Wonders.

“Dude, you can rub words together.”
~Bear

I’ve moved into camp confusion and bought a summer home.
~Snazel

Awesome! Bleh! Awesome! Bleh! Awesome! Bleh!
~Becky

Love will not save us from the aliens this time!
~ Bear

You know what?  Live your life.
~ Worrad

Annie: We won’t have a chaperone this weekend?
Everyone: WOOO!
Lewis: Theoretically, we are grown~ups.

[In addressing science in a time travel story]
If you want to use the word “Quantum” until we give up~that’s fine.
~Lewis

I don’t get it and I don’t like it.
~Brady

“This story is so smooshy.”  ~Chris S.

“Zeus is always attaching babies to body parts.”  ~Lewis

“In the end he’s a total prick, just like objectivists.”  ~Mark P.

“The amazing kebab woman!  ~Worrad

CLUTCH MOTHER!!!! *rocks out like a metalhead*  ~Worrad

“I mean, we’re never in Sauron’s head.” Lewis

“I want him to fire giraffes from trebuchets just to get the exact sound of their midair collision.” ~Chris

“Grandma fell in the septic tank. Again.”  ~Andy

“The lesser seen try/succeed cycle.”  ~Lewis

“Competence porn.”  ~Bear

“The sailors are like, ‘kill the kraken!’ and she’s like, ‘hug the kraken.’  ~Lewis

Week 4

Russell: “Name’s Russell. Been to jail.”
*Pause*
Durham: “But you were innocent, no doubt.”
Russell: “No. But I was a minor.”

“I’ve been staring at your neck the whole session going ‘I want to groom’. OCD, it’s revenge for the sock.”
~Wonders

“The medical and drug scenes were written cleanly, with an obvious comfort with your subject matter. As was the breaking and entering?”
Erin

“This story was originally an urban fantasy Phoenix story.”
Peta

“You have wrung true pathos from giant metal spiders~ a first in SF!”
~Lewis

“I thought the story really started with the dead santa.”
Brady

Worrad: “Damn it girl, you have licked my mind nipple. With a very sharp tounge. I’m all pointy over here.”
Russell: *leaves the room*

“I’m going to use the words ‘character agency’ so watch out.”
~Lewis

“Is the hot water cooked?”
~Worrad

“Protagonist gotta protag.”
~Lewis

“When they first make love and she gushes salt water, I would have thought it was a clue.”
~Dennis

“… and there’s a twister fight right there! Movie rights. You’re welcome.”
~Worrad

“Pedophile tornadoes creep me out. That’s something I never thought I’d be saying. Another thing I’d never thought I’d be saying; I thought the tornado’s personality could be developed more.”
~Dennis

“I’m not asking for tornado porn, but~”
~Durham

Gill: “Did Lev Grossman glow with a beautiful light from within?”
Durham: “Well, yes, but~”
Gill: “I knew it!”

“Was I giving constructive criticism? Not so much.”
~Durham

“I knew when the cute baby pig showed up bad things were gonna happen.”
~Andy

“Adley has made himself a willing copy~cat of a wartime atrocity because he wants to become a kind of charcoal tattoo on the buildings symbolizing his former lover’s idealized body, which he once painted with kohl: awesome.”
~Bekcy

“Hollywood Bodhisattva.”  ~Worrad

“Everyone likes a good British dystopia.  Errrrrr, porridge is gray…”  ~Worrad

“ITWMS.” ~Worrad

“Can it be an emo mountain?”  ~Dennis

“Jade~green eyes flash hard.”  ~Worrad

“It’s got tough~ass unicorns!”  ~Bolander.

“Also, Germans hate scones.” ~Lewis

“He’s actually hoisted on someone else’s pitard.”  ~Lewis

“They’re not called the consent~adors.” ~Worrad

“Frank L. Baum was a hack.  I was blown away.” ~Chris
Rest of class: “Errrrrrrrrrr.”

Snazel: “A boy who enjoys drowning during sex has other issues.”

Week 5

“You really lost me when the hooker attacked.”
~Russell

“I wrote this story to let you know I’m a bigot.”
~Brady

“I was reading angry, I just wanted to shout at everyone to shut the fuck up~ I was reading angry.”
~Todd

“So I think this was~ *timer goes off* The duck says no.”
~Lewis

“I really want to commend this story for being sentient.”
~Todd

“More vomit. It was a bit of a pefunctury hurl; ‘Oh, I guess I’d better vomit.’ More dribble.”
~Worrad

“You keep using single quotes when they should be double quotes. It’s all over page 7. Everything single quoted there should be changed to double quotes. I don’t understand why people keep doing this. You keep doing this and I’ll kill you.”
~Kessl

Lewis: Someday 20 years from now you’re going to look back at your Clarion stories and go “what the fuck was with all the bees?”
Becky: “No actually, I’ll be the author of my bestselling zombie bee series, reminiscing about at its genesis. Ah yes, I remember it well.”

“I refer you to Snazel’s ‘look of death’.”
~Lewis

Lewis: “This is not the first day for this biscuit. It’s a bit~” *bangs it against a plate*
Chris: “That’s not a biscuit, that’s hard tack!”
Snazel: “It’s supposed to be eaten soaked in bacon grease.”
Someone: “It would probably taste better soaked in bacon grease.”
Lewis: “Yes well, what wouldn’t?”
Tim: “Don’t say that. In this crowd, someone will take it as a challenge.”
Lewis: “That’s true. With our luck, one of the stories this week will be titled: the thing that does not taste good soaked in bacon grease. If we’re lucky it’ll be written by Worrad. If we’re unlucky it’ll be Dennis.”

“He kept getting better and better as a writer until he completely destroyed his career.”
~Kessel

Kessel: “That is a fucking useless comma. I want to kill you for that comma. You’re going to hell for that comma. You know who does this? Fucking journalists!”
Kessel: (Later) “I have to do this every once in a while. To exercise my adrenal gland.”

Lewis: “And since I only have twenty seconds, I’ll just say “Come out on Thursday to see Firehorse, opening for Clutch Mother.”
(Worrad and Becky, throwing rock horns): “Woooo!”

“Thank you for stroking my prose nipple.”
~Wonders

“Oh my god the verbs Todd!”
~Wonders.

“That sentence was just full of words.”
~Annie

“Story in which you get to the end and nothing happens~ you stole my trick.”
~Chris

“I wrote ‘Fuck’ in tetris blocks, so there you go.”
~Bolander.

Re: Erin’s orgasmic spaceship story:
Brady: “I thought the pace quickened really well.”

“The Bradbury is strong in this one.”  ~Lewis

“This is the happiest ending to a Laika story I’ve seen, until I write my space opera in which Laika is irradiated, becomes a superhero, and returns to Earth to avenge herself on her Soviet oppressors.”  ~Lewis

“Eww and aww and eww and aww and eww!” ~Bolander

“Drugging Miss Maisie.”  ~Kessel

“Space whales having sex is three awesome things that go together awesomely.”  ~Kij

“The official Clarion 2011 mascot: NARWOLVES.” ~Lewis

Worrad: “Why isn’t he covered in his own shit?”
Lewis: “I gotta change seats.”

“Squeeee.  Not wheeee.  Squeeeee.”  ~Peta

“…coke pouring out of her lady end…” ~Worrad

“It’s a religion based on art and whimsy; how can it fail?” ~ Tim

*Erin attempts to return Jim’s J.G. Ballard collection*
Jim:  I’m thinking Space Opera Santa strikes again.
Erin:  Really?  Thank you!  Do you want your notes back?
Jim: Actually, that’s a letter from me uncle.  You can have that too.

“Don’t pretend to be a normal person.  That’s…that’s just a bad idea.”  ~ Stan Robinson

Week 6

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