"There has never been anything false about hope?"

We’ve been talking politics at the breakfast and supper table again, which is lovely. Nothing like a healthy dose of cynicism and conspiracy truth to make you cheery! *big grin* On a totally unrelated note; to my friends in the states, we have a spare room in the house and a lot of places in town are hiring! We could hang out! Ahem.

Moving right along…

My brain has been feeling muzzy for days, but on Monday it really got bad, due to a touch of the flu that’s going around. By bad, I mean I was having serious difficultly telling reality from imagination. By process of elimination I’m pretty sure the time in line in Toronto Airport was not real. But other than the physically improbable events, I kinda have no idea what I did. If I talked to you on Monday, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I said. *cough* But then I slept for fifteen hours and now I’m fine! *is normal and borderline sane*

What else is new? Oh, I’m starting to think about what I might possibly do after I pay off my debt! One big option is to go to a university. My year at Augustine is worth a year and a half on transfer in at least one place, which is quite good. However, I’m not really a big fan of the post-secondary to get a high paying job school of thought. For one thing, I’m not really feeling called towards any degree program that does promise high wages upon graduation, and I don’t think I have the dedication or talents to get my doctorate and teach within a college. Which leaves the earn-a-philosophy-bachelors-to-get-a-high-paying-job option. Somehow that’s not calling me very loudly either. However, someone, (you probably know who you are,) pointed out that you can ALSO go to university for the pure joy of learning! *vistas of joy open up*

And then, I looked at costs and asked some people in University their opinion of it from the inside. I’m looking at about fourteen thousand a term, with tuition, living expenses, books, travel, and occasional entertainment. *enthusiasm dampens somewhat* Moreover, the reaction from most of the people I asked about university from the inside was “good idea to go back to school! (watch out for debauchery.)” *enthusiasm dampens more* It was rather startling how uniform the reactions were, really, after being adjusted for dialect and personality. 

So now I’m leaning more towards option two; Backpack across Europe! It costs less, with the right travel companions you learn as much, and it makes for much better photo albums. Also I want to clamor around in castles again. And I could learn languages! *enthusiasm is fanned to full flame* Does anyone want to come with me? You don’t need a Visa!

Yesterday I walked to the other end of town and back, which is a fun walk. (The turn around point is Tim Horton’s, for one.) I decided to be wild and crazy and wear my lovely new red coat and my pin-striped fedora, so I got a lot of stares. I do tend to dress a little different from the average citizen of this town, it’s true. Walking out of Tim’s was especially amusing, given all the puzzled and/or shocked eyes on my back. I was also wild and crazy in that I was carrying my camera, so here are a couple pics of my walk! (The order got jumbled, I’m not sure why.)

The Government Wharf

Busy Downtown!

Yes, we have proper snow clearing equipment. 

Yes, those are rabbits, hanging off a step ladder. 

"What you should be worrying about… is your Eyebrows!"

I’ll just say, the weather here is marvelous. I went through a couple of days of feeling not at all comfortable without a chill in the air, or a coat on, but now I’ve remembered what warm weather is like. Such a strange thing. *shakes head*

I’ll be flying home on next Tuesday- West Jet. Yes, I took an extra two days in Ottawa, including a day when I am the only student left in the College, in an effort to avoid flying Air Canada. Here is the plan of my time in the intervening space.

  • to do:
    • Monday
      • Move Computer files to Portable hard Drive
      • Write thank you letter for College
      • pack shipping boxes
    • Tuesday
      • Deep-clean house
    • Wednesday
      • Lord of the Rings Marathon!
    • Thursday
      • oral exam
    • Friday
      • Mailing boxes and Sally Ann
    • Saturday
      • Grad
    • Sunday
      • church
    • Monday
      • donate blood
    • Tuesday
      • Fly home

Looks doable, no? *nods* I can do this! Oh, and sometime in there, I need to do some birthday present acquisition for the four brothers who are having birthdays in my absence. Right. “You know I’m a poor student who has no conception of money?….”

[note: navel-gazing type musings follow. read at your own risk.]
And on a completely different tack, Third World, Moon Unit and I were discussing public school and its probable effect on us. We pretty much agreed that Moon Unit and Third World would have been the same people had they gone through Public School, but that I wouldn’t be the same. Quote: “You’d either be a total follower, or completely outcast.” I agree, really. I could see myself going in about 8 different directions, none of them positive. In thinking about this, I had two reactions, one positive and one, not.

On the one hand, I’m really glad that my parents kept me out of Public School for that reason. While it would have been interesting to see how I turned out, it would be interesting in about the same way that it is interesting to see what colours of mold grow on the unidentifiable things in the back of the fridge. Sick fascination.

On the other hand, the not-so-positive one, it doesn’t make me very confident for the future. Oh joy, I have so little of my own personality that I can’t be trusted to go out in public. My powers of self-delusion seem to be exceptional. What if I was to go to a College or University outside of the house? Would I lose myself then too? Do I even have my own personality, or am I such a social chameleon that I just take on the interests of the people I’m surrounded by? (protective coloring, right.) Will I EVER be able to stand on my own?

I don’t see it being much of an issue once I return home, cause, in all honesty, I really don’t see the potential for friends outside of my family. The high schoolers in my small town are all scared of me anyways, and they’re all obsessed with topics I mercifully am not interested in; namely, high school marks and the high school drama of the moment. People over High school age are either gone off to university, and therefore in a higher social bracket than I, or moving in crowds where I have no experience and don’t want any. The hard-drinking Fort Mac crowd? No, thank you. I don’t even know most of the words, much less how to communicate. 😛 That leaves people over the age of 30, who are nice to me, but not really friends, and my family. Moreover, my brother PT has now moved out on his own, which cuts my social scene significantly. Seriously significantly. If you include my parents, it cuts it by a quarter.

Okay, maybe I’m being overly pessimistic. Who knows, maybe there’ll be some interesting, intelligent, safe, and not-scared-of-me people near my age in town when I get back. Or maybe I’m drawing the lines too thick, and I can be friends with people who I already am acquainted with. Or maybe I’ll just have friends online for the foreseeable future.

My, but I’m not looking forward to leaving Third World and Moon Unit. I do think I am myself with them, whoever that is. {Totally insane, and likes books!} Moon Unit has been going home on weekends so I’m partially used to her not being here, but Third World and I have been basically in each other’s constant company since January. *cries* I hung out with RM a lot last term, but she started moving on to other friends in November, and even earlier we didn’t do much together: Baking and talking, and occasional Latin. Third World and I wrote novels together, for heaven’s sake. I haven’t had such a close friend who I wasn’t related to since I was 6. Bah, why does Oregon have to be 5.5 time zones and another country away anyways? For goodness sake, the nearest people I would be able to visit, (those who make it to St. X’s in Cape Breton) would be at least 500 dollars to even get to the mainland, and then you have accommodation and food costs. Bah humbug.

Yeah, so, the weather here is nice, I’m having a low grade identity crisis, am I even a person? I’m not looking forward to splitting up from my friends, and aside from those minor stresses, and the family members who are hospitalized, I’m doing fine.

I just have to remember, I can’t see the future. I can always make what’s coming seem bleaker than it actually is. Even when it’s worse than I foresaw, it’s always easier to bear than I think it will be.

Right, I can’t see the future.

Just breathe.

Christian pop music is like Byzantine iconography. Once they found a formula, they stuck with it!

Yes, so, exams are next week. I am already petrified scared about them. I really don’t want to fail, and I have a dreadful suspicion that I haven’t been paying near enough attention in classes, so I won’t be able to answer any of the questions. *cries*

As a result, I am determinedly not thinking about them, I’m just focusing on the pressing things that need to be done, such as Latin translations for Wednesday, and Dr. Patrick’s Term paper for tomorrow, and the Literature Presentation for Thursday, and the Literature Paper for Thursday, and the Scriptures presentation for Thursday. Actually, those are all prepared except the Lit paper and the Latin Translations. I have about half of those both done.

Anyhow, my little brother Gid has an eval on Monday, the day of my Latin and Philosophy exams. The last eval was bad. I’m worried about the results of this one. Even putting aside the fear of if this next eval goes poorly, I”m afraid of how I will be able to deal with if it is bad. I still have 5 more exams after Monday goes by; I can’t lose it and spend all my time in prayer.

Now THAT’s taking worrying to a new level. Okay, I think I need to take some sleep, and do some more praying. 😛

*wanders off*

P.S. Today was our last Philosophy class, and it was 3.5 hours long, on Post-modernism. It was really interesting, but I wish I could have paid attention more. I’m rather fragmented in class. o.O

P.P.S. Everything lately is geared towards arming us to deal with post-modernism. It’s mildly amusing since I don’t plan to go into a university, and people usually don’t talk to me. However, when I get the urge to scoff I must remind myself that I don’t know the future, and maybe I will end up having to argue in the defense of objective truth.

I really am going to bed now.